Argument and Conflict

Be clear on what assumptions we’re making, and how we have or will test them.

• Talk through an impact map.
  • It reveals the assumptions, including hidden and implicit ones.
  • It shows the connections.
  • Talk to how we have or will test these assumptions.
• Ask them to talk through an impact map.
  • Say when you don’t understand, but you want to.
  • Get underneath. Bring out the underlying values, needs, fears.
  • Be kind, respectful, patient. Make the most generous, respectful, interpretation.
• Ask questions.
  • What’s your point?
  • What do you mean?
  • What are you worried will happen (or not happen)?
• Evaluate claims.
  • Data, plausibility, practicality, history.
  • What’s the actual, not perceived risk? Likelihood x Impact.
  • What’s your confidence level?

Impact map reminder

• Goal: Why are we doing this?
• Actor: Who’s behaviour do we want to change?
• Impact: How do we want their behaviour to change?
• Deliverable: What will we do to make that happen?
• Measurable: How will we check it?

Top bits

• Be open, admit your ignorance
• Practice active listening: repeat, summarised in your own words, to check your understanding.
• Be patient, keep at it.
• Be more clear, keep ask for clarifying, asking if you are clear
• Give love, support, sympathy to those who need it, not those who “deserve” it.
• Make the most generous, respectful, interpretation.
• “You are partly right.”
• Find the common ground.
• The three conversations: what happened, feelings, identity.
• “Is this helpful?” rather than “is this a final, fundamental, truth?”
• Bring out and work with fears.
• Bring out the underlying values and needs.
• Don’t interrupt others. If you’re interrupted, point it out.
• Find the inconsistency. Find the counter-example. Find a wider context.
• “What’s your point?” steers towards a tell.
• When you oppose and don’t understand: “how did we get here?”
• “What do you mean?”
• Map out the argument.
• Admit ignorance, give power.
• Improve your understanding.
• Make your assumptions explicit.
• Evaluate claims. Data, plausibility, practicality, history.
• What’s the actual, not perceived risk? Likelihood x Impact.
• What’s your confidence level?
• Let them trip over the truth.

Raw notes

• Normalise conflict.
  • Conflict is normal in human interactions.
  • Everyone wants to be seen, to be heard.
• Be open.
  • Tell people your expectations, ask theirs.
  • Admit your flaws and biases, ask for help and patience.
  • Acknowledge it’s going to be a difficult conversation.
• Listen.
  • Listen and learn.
  • Practice active listening.
• Be patient.
  • Be patient in understanding the complexity.
  • BE slow to form judgements. How much do you really know?
• Go wider.
  • What is an additional interpretation, another angle?
  • You only see a part of the other person.
• Be aware of your faults and biases.
  • Be as aware of your faults as your angriest opponent.
  • Realise your understanding is flawed.
  • Watch out for the Fundamental Attribution Error.
  • Watch out for Confirmation Bias.
  • We tend overestimate our communication skill.
  • We tend to assume we’re right.
  • We tend to to make judgements based on partial information.
  • We tend to confuse feeling strongly with being right.
  • We tend to assume we know more.
  • We judge other people by our values, not by theirs.
• Be generous, kind, modest, positive.
  • Make the most generous, respectful, interpretation.
  • Start with empathy, positive intent, mutual respect.
  • Positive interactions require modesty, humility.
  • Give love, support, sympathy to those who need it, not those who “deserve” it.
  • Try a different frame.
• “You are partly right.”
• Talk to and validate feeling and fears.
  • Talk to feelings, validate them.
  • Talk to feelings, behaviour, impact.
  • Bring out and work with fears.
• Clarify the realm of argument.
  • What is true / useful / meaningful
  • The three conversations: what happened, feelings, identity.
  • “Is this helpful?” rather than “is this a final, fundamental, truth?”
• Argue well, cleanly.
  • Combine accepted ideas to support the acceptance of a new idea.
  • Find the inconsistency. Find the counter-example. Find a wider context.
  • Let them trip over the truth.
  • Disagree with guarded premises.
  • Find the signal in the noise.
  • Watch for the “infinite regress defence.”
  • False negotiators tend to make fewer relevant statements than sincere negotiators.
  • False negotiators tend to escalate their demands as the clock is running down.
  • Don’t get hooked by emption.
• Bring out the underlying values and needs.
  • Recognise the need behind the emotions, the strategy.
  • What are the values behind the choice?
  • “What do you want?”
  • “What’s your point?” steers towards a tell.
• Ask clarifying questions.
  • Improve your understanding.
  • When you oppose and don’t understand: “how did we get here?”
  • Ask then to clarify their meaning.
  • “What do you mean?”
  • “I don’t know.”
  • Admit ignorance, give power.
• Map out the argument.
  • What are your assumptions?
  • Reveal the hidden / implicit ones.
  • Make your assumptions explicit.
• Adopt a learning stance.
  • Be tentative, suspend judgement.
  • Ask, don’t assume.
• Fact check.
  • Share the bare facts.
  • Evaluate claims. Data, plausibility, practicality, history.
  • What’s the actual, not perceived risk? Likelihood x Impact.
  • What’s your confidence level?

Added 2024-02-25.