Self-compassion

Mind the gap (between target behaviour and actual behaviour).

1. The People-Pleaser frames the target as a requirement for worthiness.
2. The Perfectionist moves the target value unrealistically high.
3. The Critic moves the actual value lower than it really is.

The gap now appears very big.

1. The People-Pleaser says: not meeting requirements / expectations means you're unworthy.
2. The Perfectionist says: the target was the minimum, so this counts as a failure.
3. The Critic says: failure deserves punishment.

The Perfectionist and The Critic also team up to tilt towards shame (I am bad) and away from guilt (I did bad).

Oof! 😅

All models are wrong, but some are useful. I was poking around at the Enneagram of Personality again the other day, and I've got an IFS (Internal Family Systems) book (No Bad Parts) on my reading list. These two together prompted me to update this page.

Potential roots

• The People-Pleaser perhaps formed as a increase-the-feedback-loop reaction to a model of quiet, subtle, praise.
• The Perfectionist perhaps formed as a bit of a clarity-based complementary-opposite-reaction to a model of quietness and indirectness.
• The Critic is perhaps part of my natural tendency for analysis.

Practice approach

• Notice it's a moment of suffering.
• Watch the feeling and the feeling tone arise and pass away.
• Notice the emptiness of the three aspects.

A riff on RAIN.

1. Notice the somatic experience associated with the mental experience.
2. Watch the somatic experience (arise and) pass away.
3. Notice the emptiness of the mental experience.

Conceptual

You can't make The People-Pleaser, The Perfectionist, and The Critic shut up. But you don't have to listen to them. And the less you listen, the more they quiet down.

1. What is the gap for? Maybe a figment.
2. What is the expected value? Probably lower.
3. What is the actual value? Probably higher.
4. Compare base to actual, not actual to expected.
5. Coach not Critic is better for improvement.

And! The three aspects are empty (in the Buddhist sense). They conditionally co-arise. They interact with and change each other. They go around in a circle, reinforcing each other and backing each other up. But digging into them, you can't find anything solid or fixed or really Real.

Aphorismical (‽)

• You are partly right (whether it's praise or criticism). In 🙆 Acceptance, ☸️ Buddhism, 👤 Human.
• Would you ever treat a friend like this? In 👤 Human, 💪 Resilience.
• Develop a healthy relationship with your imperfections. In 🙆 Acceptance, ☸️ Buddhism, 👤 Human.
• See the balanced view of yourself: your patterns and human imperfections; your basic innate goodness. In ☸️ Buddhism, 👤 Human, 🙋 Self.
• Imperfections are normal, natural, human. In 🙆 Acceptance, ☸️ Buddhism, 👤 Human.
• The ocean, not the waves. In ☸️ Buddhism, 🧘 Mindfulness, 💪 Resilience, 🙋 Self.

Added 2023-08-13, last updated 2024-01-04.