The Avoidance Alarm
I’ve know for some time that I have an avoidant attachment style (sometimes called anxious-avoidant, which is also accurate). I’m particularly avoidant of conflict. Some of the things that are classically avoidant that I recognise:
- valuing independence;
- struggling with feeling and expressing emotions and needs;
- physical and emotional withdrawal, especially during conflict.
These days these things aren’t so bad, or come out so… vigorously. But they’re still there.
A core part of my make-up is that I like to ask questions, figure out why, get to the root of things. Tools / practices like philosophical meditation are a good match for how I approach the world. A minor in Questioner, in The Four Tendencies language. Even conflict, which I find very scary, I try and approach with this detective hat on: see Compassion and conflict, Argument and Conflict. Related: The Constable.
So, when I notice that I’m avoiding something, that’s an alarm bell for me. In particular, if I’m avoiding looking at the “why” for something, that’s a loud alarm bell. My general approach is to ask questions and poke at things. Perhaps it’s a sore spot, so the poking needs to be more gentle. But the alarm bell is sounding and it says “Hey, look over here! Even though you don’t want to.”
Added 2024-09-02.