Skip to main content Menu

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice For Difficult Times

Gathered notes

Raw notes

1. Intimacy with fear

Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.

The vajrayana teachings introduce us to the notion of working with the energy of all situations, seeing whatever arises as inseparable from the awakened state

Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape

not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking.

Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate with fear.

2. When things fall apart

Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all

We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know.

The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that’s really swell. In fact, that way of looking at things is what keeps us miserable.

To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening

3. This very moment is the perfect teacher

instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away

—all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand

What’s encouraging about meditation is that even if we shut down, we can no longer shut down in ignorance. We see very clearly that we’re closing off.

we aspire to neither indulge nor repress—a hardness in us will dissolve. We will be softened by the sheer force of whatever energy arises

it takes the rest of our lives. Basically, we’re continually opening further, learning more, connecting further with the depths of human suffering and human wisdom

available in each moment of our weird, unfathomable, ordinary everyday lives.

4. Relax as it is

the out-breath was as close as you could come to simply resting the mind in its natural open state and still have an object to which to return.

Rinpoche asked us as meditation instructors not to speak of “concentrating” on the out-breath but to use more fluid language

label it all “thinking” with as much openness and kindness as we can muster and let it dissolve back into the big sky

remind yourself that meditation is about opening and relaxing with whatever arises, without picking and choosing. It’s definitely not meant to repress anything

we might as well stop struggling against our thoughts and realize that honesty and humor are far more inspiring and helpful than any kind of solemn religious striving for or against anything

the point is not to try to get rid of thoughts, but rather to see their true nature.

Ultimately, it comes down to the question of just how willing we are to lighten up and loosen our grip. How honest do we want to be with ourselves?

This perseverance and repetition—when done with honesty, a light touch, humor, and kindness—is its own reward

5. It’s never too late

The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves

it’s a process by which self-deception becomes so skillfully and compassionately exposed that there’s no mask that can hide us anymore

What makes maitri such a different approach is that we are not trying to solve a problem. We are not striving to make pain go away or to become a better person

Without judging, without buying into likes and dislikes, we can always encourage ourselves to just be here again and again and again.

In the middle of the worst scenario of the worst person in the world, in the midst of all the heavy dialogue with ourselves, open space is always there.

Once we’ve even had a glimpse of spaciousness, if we practice with maitri, it will continue to expand. It expands into our resentment. It expands into our fear. It expands into our concepts and opinions about things

The way to dissolve our resistance to life is to meet it face to face

Cutting our expectations for a cure is a gift we can give ourselves

6. Not causing harm

Mindfulness is the ground; refraining is the path

It’s the practice of not immediately filling up space just because there’s a gap.

Refraining—not habitually acting out impulsively—has something to do with giving up entertainment mentality

If we immediately entertain ourselves by talking, by acting, by thinking—if there’s never any pause—we will never be able to relax. We will always be speeding through our lives.

7. Hopelessness and death

Without giving up hope—that there’s somewhere better to be, that there’s someone better to be—we will never relax with where we are or who we are.

To think that we can finally get it all together is unrealistic. To seek for some lasting security is futile. To undo our very ancient and very stuck habitual patterns of mind requires that we begin to turn around some of our most basic assumptions

Suffering begins to dissolve when we can question the belief or the hope that there’s anywhere to hide.

total appreciation of impermanence and change. The teachings disintegrate when we try to grasp them

we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That’s the compassionate thing to do

Having a relationship with death in everyday life means that we begin to be able to wait, to relax with insecurity, with panic, with embarrassment, with things not working out. As the years go on, we don’t call the babysitter quite so fast.

We habitually ward off any sense of problem

getting old, getting sick, losing what we love—we don’t see those events as natural occurrences

8. Eight worldly dharmas

We may still have addictions of all kinds, but we cease to believe in them as a gateway to happiness

the eight worldly dharmas. These are four pairs of opposites

First, we like pleasure; we are attached to it. Conversely, we don’t like pain. Second, we like and are attached to praise. We try to avoid criticism and blame. Third, we like and are attached to fame. We dislike and try to avoid disgrace. Finally, we are attached to gain, to getting what we want. We don’t like losing what we have.

This nonattachment has more kindness and more intimacy than that. It’s actually a desire to know, like the questions of a three-year-old

Our motivation for practicing begins to change, and we desire to become tamed and reasonable for the sake of other people

9. Six kinds of loneliness

We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.

The middle way is wide open, but it’s tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share

Could we just settle down and have some compassion and respect for ourselves

Complete discipline is another component of cool loneliness. Complete discipline means that at every opportunity, we’re willing to come back, just gently come back to the present moment

10. Curious existence

Somehow, in the process of trying to deny that things are always changing, we lose our sense of the sacredness of life. We tend to forget that we are part of the natural scheme of things.

There are ceremonies marking all the transitions of life from birth to death, as well as meetings and partings, going into battle, losing the battle, and winning the battle.

The point isn’t to cultivate one thing as opposed to another, but to relate properly to where we are

Ego could be defined as whatever covers up basic goodness

recognize it as impermanence, and let that intensify the preciousness

the well-being that comes when we can see the infinite pairs of opposites as complementary

11. Nonaggresion and the four Maras

What we call obstacles are really the way the world and our entire experience teach us where we’re stuck

As a result of our pain, did we know more about what it is to be human, or did we know less

With enormous gentleness and clarity, we could look at how weak we are. In this way we can discover that what seems to be ugly is in fact the source of wisdom and a way for us to reconnect with our basic wisdom mind

When everything falls apart and we feel uncertainty, disappointment, shock, embarrassment, what’s left is a mind that is clear, unbiased, and fresh

We could just sit with the emotional energy and let it pass

There is something aggressive about that approach to life, trying to flatten out all the rough spots and imperfections into a nice smooth ride

12. Growing up

honesty without kindness makes us feel grim and mean

Honesty without kindness, humor, and goodheartedness can be just mean

To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.

13. Widening the circle of compassion

Only in an open space where we’re not all caught up in our own version of reality can we see and hear and feel who others really are, which allows us to be with them and communicate with them properly.

something we soon notice is that the person we set out to help may trigger unresolved issues in us

If we find ourselves unworkable and give up on ourselves, then we’ll find others unworkable and give up on them. What we hate in ourselves, we’ll hate in others. To the degree that we have compassion for ourselves, we will also have compassion for others

keeping our hearts and minds open long enough to entertain the idea that when we make things wrong, we do it out of a desire to obtain some kind of ground or security

Could our minds and our hearts be big enough just to hang out in that space where we’re not entirely certain about who’s right and who’s wrong

14. The love that will not die

She said she understood that it wasn’t her pain, it was the pain of all beings. It wasn’t just her life, it was life itself.

When inspiration has become hidden, when we feel ready to give up, this is the time when healing can be found in the tenderness of pain itself

We think that by protecting ourselves from suffering we are being kind to ourselves. The truth is, we only become more fearful, more hardened, and more alienated. We experience ourselves as being separate from the whole (My note: Like the Taoist wall!)

15. Going against the grain

we could open our hearts and allow ourselves to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

Use what seems like poison as medicine. We can use our personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings

16. Servants of peace

to care about people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean, you name it—to have compassion and to care for these people means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves

our whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, we could open our hearts and allow ourselves to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind

We could look into it and shed a tear that we grasp and cling so fearfully

the real transformation takes place when we let go of our attachment and give away what we think we can’t

What we discipline is not our “badness” or our “wrongness.” What we discipline is any form of potential escape from reality. In other words, discipline allows us to be right here and connect with the richness of the moment.

The journey of patience involves relaxing, opening to what’s happening, experiencing a sense of wonder

Sitting there, standing there, we can allow the space for the usual habitual thing not to happen

17. Opinions

we have a lot of opinions, and we tend to take them as truth

The more clearly we can see, the more powerful our speech and our actions will be

never give up on yourself. Then you will never give up on others

18. Secret oral instructions (😳!)

There is a perplexing tension between our aspirations and the reality of feeling tired, hungry, stressed-out, afraid, bored, angry

19. Three methods for working with chaos

There are three traditional methods for relating directly with difficult circumstances as a path of awakening and joy. The first method we’ll call no more struggle; the second, using poison as medicine; and the third, seeing whatever arises as enlightened wisdom

Everything that occurs is not only usable and workable but is actually the path itself. We can use everything that happens to us as the means for waking up

The elemental struggle is with our feeling of being wrong, with our guilt and shame at what we are. That’s what we have to befriend

21. Reversing the wheel of samsara

We practice with guilt, as if we’re going to be excommunicated if we don’t do it

The instruction is to relate compassionately with where we find ourselves and to begin to see our predicament as workable

Make the dharma personal, explore it wholeheartedly, and relax.

22. The path is the goal

We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of effort is the same

Everything that occurs in our confused mind we can regard as the path. Everything is workable

Added 2024-12-07, last updated 2024-12-10.